So the other day I wrote about Mini and Dollop and how they are at the moment, but now it's time to come clean about me.
I have depression.
I suffer with my mental health.
I am ill.
Many of you know this as I'm quite open about it on Twitter and Facebook. But I guess I kind of assumed that my anti-depressants would see me through it all.
I have been out of sync I suppose. I have little energy, enthusiasm or even interest in much at all. I go through the motions each day...school runs, housework in a lacklustre limited 'that'll do' kind of way, grocery ordering, washing and cooking. After the kids are in bed I barely even watch TV as I'm finding I have zero concentration.
Bedtime arrives and I lie in bed and read, then read more, then read even more until finally sleep overcomes me, usually around 3am. I've tried not reading, but then I just lay, and roll over, and kick the duvet, and fidget, and eventually get up. Either way I then spend the next day shattered, perhaps dozing on the sofa, again with no energy or enthusiasm. I'm stuck in that cycle now. Every now and then I take a relaxant to help me get a full night's sleep, although in honesty I'm not sure if it's that working or just sheer exhaustion!
The 'funny' thing is - home life has been better recently. I'm less on edge about Mini. I have fewer concerns about him these days. We have a pretty good routine. But I think the last few years have really taken their toll and it's all just catching up with me. Sheer exhaustion from parenting a traumatised child. But of course it's hard to explain that to people who don't see how challenging it is - because he doesn't let go in front of them, he saves it all until he feels safe at home.
I need more support, but I don't know where to get it, or what form it should take.
I have decided to take positive action:
I will make more effort to see and speak to my friends.
I will actively look after and treat myself.
I have already started using the Headspace App to improve my head space and mindfulness.
If you see me floating around on Twitter or Facebook - come and say hi. I'll do my best to say hi back.