I've not felt like writing much recently.
I'm struggling with depression quite a lot at the moment. I don't think I've found the right medication yet, and the link worker I've been referred to is in demand, so it's a while before I can see him to arrange regular counselling.
I'm existing. I get up, I put my mask on, I get the kids to school. Sometimes I manage to wander around town, sometimes I do some housework. But mostly I sleep, and flit from Twitter to Facebook to The Adoption Social to Pinterest to my Kindle app and back again. I collect the kids from school, get home, and remove the mask - the me that I manage to present to the world, and become the me that I don't like very much right now.
But on a positive note, things have been a bit easier with Mini. We've had no major dramas, no major tantrums and school is going well...at least, it was all going well until last night...
The NC texted me at 5.30pm (his usual finishing time) to say he'd be late. It doesn't happen all that often, but he can usually give me a rough time he might be home. But not last night, he had no idea and he'd been told he couldn't leave until the issue was fixed.
So dinner came and went. The kids ate. Bedtime for Dollop came...in the absence of the NC, I put her to bed and we had lovely snuggles and she settled well.
Guinea pigs got fed, tidying up got done, and then Mini's bedtime came...with still no sign of daddy.
Eventually after a little upset and a lot of protest, I got him changed and up into bed. But...full of anxiety. Showing the progress we've made, Mini talked to me about how he was feeling -
"What if Daddy never comes back?"
"Why are his work being mean? I want him to come home."
"What if they keep him there forever?"
"I want my Daddy, I need to see him."
"I'm scared that Daddy will never come home...ever"
"But Daddy always puts me to bed."
And then he remembered that Daddy is also away tonight for work - 2 nights in a row that Mini wouldn't see his Daddy.
"Daddy doesn't love me does he, that's why he's not here?"
"I won't ever get to see my Daddy again."
"I don't like Daddy or you going away, I know you'll leave me."
"What will happen to me and Dollop if you and Daddy don't come back?"
It took some time to reassure and console him, and I was concerned that we'd have a wet bed. But luckily, Daddy was home when Mini woke for a toilet trip in the night, and so he was comforted and relieved to know he was home. All this, just by Daddy being home 3 hours late. It's great that he feels so connected to us, and makes me feel relieved that he really does want us - even if he often shows us the opposite, but it's awful that he's so insecure that he feels like this.
I must point out that I know that sometimes overtime is required - problems occur and my husband's skills are needed to fix those problems. I don't like him working late, but I accept that it has to happen sometimes. However, it just goes to show that something considered 'normal' can have a massive impact on a child like Mini. It's not about the NC ducking out of his responsibilities to his employer, it's not about me not being capable of looking after my child, it's about a child who has been abandoned before - several times, who is scared that it's going to happen again. And that breaks my heart, and really upset the NC too.