Things are bad here right now.
I'm now on anti-depressants, and I'm pleased to say that at the moment they are at least taking the edge off of the all consuming black thoughts. Those black thoughts have been very very dark at times, and it's scared me. I have been on such tablets several times before, but this time has been different. Because of the way my dad died, these dark thoughts feel terrifying. I know that I'm lucky...lucky is that the right word? Probably not, but I was able to go to my doctor, share my feelings and thoughts and get help - dad didn't, so that already puts me in a different place to him. But I feel vulnerable, and when those dark thoughts are there, my vulnerability allows them to seep deep into every waking thought.
I have been unable to drive on my own, for fear of what I might do whilst in the car. I'm OK with the children in the car, my strong mother's protective instinct kicks in and the incessant chatter of my three year old protects me from thinking - drowning out the dark with talk of princesses, fairies and daffodils, but when I'm on my own, it's different.
We've finally had a referral to a child psychiatrist after Mini reported voices in his head telling him to
do bad things. Luckily the psychiatrist feels it's not psychotic, but a typical attachment based reaction. After a long talk, where we ran out of time, it seems that Mini appears to have what the psych referred to as a 'coercive pattern'. He's either angry, comfort seeking or fearful most of the time, but displays each one of those in the same way, and so it's super super difficult for us to read him at any time. Timing will be crucial, and the next step is to get some more support on timing and attunement. It was comforting to hear that we are not causing any of these issues, we're not making them worse, and it seems that we're unlikely to make things any better right now. This pattern is a sticky one, hard to get out of, but it is possible, and our journey will be a long, rocky one. All the work on attunement we've done before is great, but not enough.
Our journey was likened a little to driving.
We've been on the course, we've passed our driving tests, and we're well equipped to drive a Ford Escort. We do that with Dollop most days.
But Mini isn't an Escort. He was never going to be an Escort - with his trauma, his lifestyle, his beginnings....he was always going to drive faster and harder. He's a Lamborghini.
We've done lots of advanced driving courses, but still, getting into that Lamborghini is different. The bite point on the clutch is hard to find. The slightest nudge on the accelerator sends you from 0-60 in 2 seconds flat, and before you know it, you're driving around at 100 miles an hour, but slight taps on the brakes make the car stop dead. He is frequently retuned (as his knowledge/understanding change, recede and grow), and so you can never get used to the drive of the car. No amount of advanced driving courses can prepare you for that.
So now we wait to hear back from the Child Psychiatrist, and our Social Worker, and we continue to see our counsellor for more help. And in the meantime, the Social Worker is going to arrange some life story work too as Mini has been asking many many questions about his birth family. We can answer them, but it's felt that Mini may blame us or become angry with us if we share it, so the Social Worker will 'take the flack' instead of risking damaging our relationship.
Waiting....for professionals to get back to us.
Waiting....for tablets to kick in properly.
Waiting....for more help, more counselling, more therapy.
Waiting....all the time.