This year is the tenth anniversary of Dad’s death, and also
the sixth anniversary of us first meeting Mini. And I still find it difficult
to cope, no not cope with, but just get through this day. There is a perverse
kind of guilt…that’s the best way I can describe what I feel. Let me
explain…but please bear in mind that this post is self-indulgent of me
because it’s not about Mini and his feelings, this is all me.
This should be a happy momentous day. A joyous occasion on
which we should remember that first day of meeting our son. But I feel immense
guilt at not being able to celebrate it in any way shape or form. Don’t get me
wrong, we do semi-celebrate becoming a family, but on the day it became
official. We remember and talk about the day we first met Mini, but I can’t let
myself enjoy those memories because the sadness for my dad is overwhelming.
Around this time of year it consumes me. Perhaps the season doesn’t help – it’s
dark, cold, wet and miserable, and that reflects my mood absolutely to a T.
So….guilt.
Guilty also because I so wish I could have helped my father.
Guilty because I couldn’t stop him taking the steps he did. Guilty because I
couldn’t make him want to stay, and that I should have tried harder to stop
him. Guilty because of my feelings of ‘not enough’ (I talked about that in my
last post on this subject)…yes I feel very guilty for feeling all of these things, because ultimately, it wasn’t and isn’t about me. It’s about my dad, and
how he felt.
That’s quite a lot of guilt isn’t it? And I know that it
probably doesn’t make a lot of sense, and if I think about it, then there is no
need for me to feel this way. But I do feel this way.
On top of that I start to feel ashamed of feeling this way.
And then I spiral down into a dark place where there is not only guilt and
shame, but sadness, fear, loss, grief, dark thoughts, bad dreams, tears,
despair, and often…hysterical sobbing.
Until I started writing this blog – 2 years ago – I didn’t
realise just how much I missed my dad or just how much I still need to grieve.
Do I though? Do I need to grieve, or is this how it will always be? How do you
know when you’ve finished grieving? Does it move on to acceptance…ever? I
thought I’d got there a few years ago but do you ever accept the loss of
someone you love?
I wish, more than anything that Dad could have met my
children, or at least known of our plans. He knew we were having trouble
conceiving, but we didn’t decide until later that we wanted to adopt…he never
knew about Mini. And then of course, he never knew that we did actually end up
conceiving and having Dollop.
I don’t want to churn up and rewrite the same thing year
after year, but that Dad’s death and meeting Mini are so intertwined in date
and in my mind, I wonder if I’ll ever move on from these feelings?
These feelings overwhelm me. I’ve allowed some of them to
spill out onto paper, thank you for reading them.
Comment love xx it's all I have, sorry! Hope your sun comes out soon xx
ReplyDeleteLots of love to you. An honest and sad but beautiful post xx
ReplyDeleteHonestly, in my opinion, guilt is the most overwhelming of all emotions. It can consume you and will chip away at your self esteem and sanity if you allow it to. But for the life of me, I cannot find a single thing that you should be feeling guilty about. Losing a parent is a deeply painful experience, and the loss will always remain, but the pain will become less frequent. I feel certain that your father, like my mother, would have loved and enjoyed your children, and that they are watching over you all as we speak.
ReplyDeleteOh Vicki, what a beautifully expressive post. I lost my mom at Christmas time 13 years ago and I still have a hard time separating the two and fully enjoying Christmas. I spend a lot of time feeling guilty too and when I thought I was done grieving I don't think I had even really started. It took a lot of work and a lot of tears but I think that I"m in an ok place with things now. It still sucks, but it sucks a little less and a little different. I wish we lived closer so we could drink tea and have a good cry and chat together:) Thinking of you.
ReplyDelete