I'm not sure I can be a mummy anymore.
No, that's not true.
I'm not sure I can be Mini's mummy anymore.
I'm fed up of all the controlling behaviour. The tantrums when he doesn't get his own way. The tantrums when he does, but not quite exactly as he'd wanted. The tantrums and the shouting, and the screaming. And then more tantrums if you don't understand or mis-hear the screamed demands or refusals. And him screaming so much about something he wants, that he doesn't even hear you say yes, because he always believes we'll say no.
And I'm not just fed up, but worn down, crushed under heavy and loud shouts of defiance, fenced in by my own worries about saying or doing the wrong thing, and generally, well, generally feeling like a piece of shit, an annoying turd that Mini can't shake or wipe off his shoes, so he just grinds down and down as he walks on it, trying to rid himself of the vileness.
It feels like the last few months of improvement and positivity have gone down the drain over the space of a long weekend.
I'll explain a little - Mini has been ill. He seems to have had a typical virus, except with a temperature that hasn't gone away despite maximum dose of Calpol, along with a cough, and hayfever at times too. This morning, against his wishes, we took him to the doctors who discovered lots of pus-filled yucky bits at the back of his throat, declaring a throat infection - the cause of the temperature. And the typical viral rash, well, that's a bit worse than normal because it's actually viral eczema - something he's never had before, but thankfully nothing that can't be fixed with liberal applications of E45. The antibiotics will hopefully help the infection, if we can get it down him, which now he's getting bigger, is proving more of an issue.
Mini's cough has kept him up at night, we've had mostly unsettled evenings where he's been up and down all night long. However, despite all of this, and all of the obvious symptoms, Mini has refused to accept that he's ill. Don't get me wrong, he's complained of a few general problems - the cough, occasional tummy ache, occasional head ache, once - just once, he had a sore throat. But everything would come and go - appetite included.
On Friday we administered the Calpol regularly, and tried to gently nurse Mini during a quiet day at home. Saturday he seemed OK, so we had a quick trip into town, and then noticed 'the rash', so headed home to chill. On Sunday he seemed heaps better and requested a trip to the zoo; we all had a pleasant enough time and certainly enjoyed the fresh air and sunshine. But we were careful, had several rest stops, and kept him close.
But Sunday afternoon and Monday have been awful. Mini is resolute - he is NOT ILL and JUST FINE. NOTHING HURTS, and the medicine TASTES DISGUSTING. He is absolutely NOT TAKING THAT STUFF.
This is another reason why I'm finding it hard to be Mini's mummy right now. I WANT to look after him, and care for him. I'm his mum, that's my job. I was reminded the other day that TLC can take many forms, but to be honest, Mini's having none of it. I'm being rejected at every turn. Everything I do is wrong, all the food I make is wrong, questioning how he's feeling is wrong, helping him is wrong, offering nice things to do is wrong.
I am WRONG. I am a BAD MUMMY. GRRRRRRRRRR. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHGHGHGHGHGHG, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Tonight has been horrific - like one of the old days.
I know he's ill. And I know this behaviour is mostly because he's feeling crap. And I should probably make allowances because he is ill (no matter what he says).
But I don't know what he's afraid of; why he can't just be ill. I don't know why he won't let us in, or let us care for him.
Tonight I wasn't even allowed to touch him, let alone hug him. He didn't want to hug me either, but then had a massive tantrum when Dollop tried to because...apparently he did want to after all, and wanted to do it before her.
I should have empathised and let him off the hug, I should have just offered a high-five instead - less threatening, less full-on, and more manageable. Should I have cried in front of him? I don't know...he needs to see me upset, but if me being upset make me seems weak and unable to care for him then perhaps he shouldn't see it? Will he feel ashamed for upsetting me?
This therapeutic stuff doesn't come that easily, and it's only on reflection where I see how I could have handled things differently.
Tomorrow, after some reflection with the NC, and some sleep, I will be Mini's mummy again, not only that but I'll want to be Mini's mummy. But right now...honestly, I'm struggling.