Wednesday, 12 December 2012
We miss each other...
Although he's been pretty good in the daytime, Mini's been very hard work come bedtime.
So, there I was settling him in bed after he'd had a bit of a barney with daddy, and wondered a little bit about why he was so reluctant to go to bed.
I wondered this and that, and eventually Mini volunteered that he missed spending time with the NC and me. And he felt it was unfair that Dollop got more time with me while he was at school. So he thought if he played up he'd get that good old negative attention that is better than no attention at all.
Ahhh...so it came back to the same issue of Mini feeling that we love Dollop more than him.
Not so much of a surprise as this increasingly seems to be the cause of Mini's behaviour.
I realised that when I was expecting Dollop I did a good amount of preparation with Mini to get him used to the idea of a new baby. We looked at books, he chose a special toy for her, he even 'suprvised' the construction of the cot!
We also spent time together doing nice things like day trips out and craft activities, and I did everything recommended to prepare him.
But I never prepared myself for how I'd feel about having to spend less time with Mini. It's not just about school; generally I have less time with Mini because when he's home, so is Dollop. And at weekends we do things as a family, so I have less time with him 1:1.
Dollop was quite a demanding baby in that she wanted to be held a lot, and she was colicky so needed to be upright a lot. I probably didn't do myself many favours giving in to her and cuddling her as she came to expect it but to be honest, I'd spent so many years thinking I'd never have a baby, when she did finally come, I didn't want to ever let her go...and I still haven't left her with anyone other than the NC for more than a couple of hours.
But despite this, I tried hard to make sure Mini never felt left out. I would read to him whilst feeding her. We'd all snuggle together on the sofa when Dollop was napping. I'd do his favourite crafts at the table with him whilst holding her. I thought I'd done OK.
Mini frequently complains about fairness, who got more satsuma segments, who got the biggest chocolate out of the calendar (their calendars are identical as are the contents!), who got to walk upstairs first etc. We know he thinks we love Dollop more than him, and we know he perceives that more stuff/food/toys etc = more love. But last night, when he actually shared that he was jealous of our time and wanted more of it with me, well it made me realise that I want more time just with him too. I realised just how much I miss him, and as much as I love Dollop to bits, I do sometimes miss just being me and my boy.
It's amazing. After just one therapy session Mini has started to open up just a little bit, enough for me to see that we might get somewhere. I think the next bit of this journey could well be hard going...even if Mini copes well, I suspect there might be quite a lot of reflection for the NC and I that might be hard for us to deal with. Hope I'm strong enough to cope...