Monday, 19 November 2012

Freak-out Friday

If any of you follow me on Twitter, you might have seen some of my tweets about this weekend...well, specifically Friday evening. It was one of our worst evenings for quite some time.

Something is going on with Mini, and we're not sure what yet - but I'm meeting his teacher this week to discuss. It could be changes in school routine as they practise their class assembly and school nativity, it could be yet another change in teacher (a student teacher taking lots of lessons), it could be Christmas hype (although that's never affected Mini before, and as I've blogged about previously, we have our own ways of handling the extra hype and excitement of December), we just don't know and Mini won't open up...well not verbally, but he seems down and we're back to the old bed-wetting stress-sign.

But back to Friday. Friday afternoons are notoriously difficult as tiredness catches up, and of course this Friday was Children In Need so Mini wore his pyjamas to school - yet another change to his routine. Mini seemed fine, and was quite excited about going to school in his new monster PJs, but as I keep trying to explain to school - he seems fine, he seems in control, but inside he is not fine and not in control. We still don't know if what I'm about to tell you is because of Children in Need day or the other things going on at school, but we are fairly certain it's school related.

After school Mini looked and sounded tired. I put a film on to calm the children and make them rest; both Mini and Dollop settled to watch it. But when the NC came home something in Mini snapped, and he became generally argumentative. He started antagonising Dollop and accusing her of all sorts. He refused to join us at the table, when he did, he wouldn't eat nicely, he kept purposely tipping his cup - threatening to spill it over his dinner and the table, he didn't want seconds, but when it was served to the NC instead, he suddenly wanted it after all, then he wouldn't stay seated for pudding, then pudding wasn't good enough and  he wanted something else, then he got really hyper....running back and forth down the length of our living/dining room, almost like he *had* to. 
It was getting dangerous for him, and for Dollop and I could see that Mini was getting himself more and more hyped up, completely dysregulated, and it didn't seem like he was going to calm at all.

To start with I moved quickly with him, but it made no difference, then I tried to bear hug him whilst talking quickly to mirror his own speech/screams/shouts/noises/whining/crying.
The bear hug didn't work, only making him thrash and scream more, so whilst he did so on the sofa, I sat nearby on the floor, letting him know I wasn't going anywhere, not touching or talking to him, but keeping him safely on the sofa where I thought he wouldn't hurt himself or others.

Oh how wrong I was.

A shove to the shoulder, two strong kicks to the chest (which was already sore anyway!), then a hard vicious slap around the face saw me burst into tears and I had to walk away. From then on I can't remember much of what happened - I have text messages and tweets which help me recall...the NC gave Mini and Dollop a bath, I left the house, but only to hide in the car. I had to get away because I was angry, really angry and hurting. I felt I had to go back so Mini wouldn't think I was abandoning him, but the second I walked in he start getting hyped up again and I wished I'd stayed away.
There is a bit of a blurry time, but I know the NC took the children to bed. Settling Mini took quite some time.
Then I freaked out. Sitting in my living room on my own, with my face buried in the sofa, howling, hurting and lost.

The NC came back downstairs to find me in a heap, mascara and tears running down my sore red cheek, muttering things that I cannot even bear to think about again, let alone write down or share here. He tucked me up on the sofa, where I stayed all evening, unable to think or do anything much.

Luckily help is already being sorted. Glenda the CAMHS therapist had visited the day before and she'd agreed to chase our PASW for help for me and speak to Dave-the-theraplay-therapist for an update. (I've had a few 'blank' moments recently, which are worrying me and I think are stress-related). The NC's art psychotherapist is ready to see him now to help him make sense of his own reactions to Mini, and hopefully it won't be long before I get someone to talk to aswell. Coincidentally, our next appointment with Dave-the-theraplay-therapist is this week anyway, so hopefully we'll either get the next step of the approach we're learning, or a date for theraplay, or something!

We need something. Soon.

A big thank you to all my Twitter friends (none of whom I've ever met!) who sent kind messages and virtual hugs on Friday night, and to those who helped me plot my virtual escape. It really is amazing who steps up when you need them! x


  1. It will be a long, often lonely, frightening road to healing, often two steps forward then one back. You are doing a wonderful job with Mini and helping many others on the same difficult journey. We are all in this together. Very best wishes to you all.

  2. Really thinking about you at such a difficult time - hope the therapists come through soon with more help x

    1. Thanks for taking the time to comment. I hope they do too x

  3. Sounds like a really really tough time, but it also sounds like you are doing a great job. Hopefully you will all be able to get some more help and support asap.

    1. Thank you and thanks for commenting. Support is definitely on it's way x

  4. Really sorry to hear that things are so tough. I cannot imagine what it's ike having your child hitting out at you - that is something we've been spared - so far. I hope thngs get better for all of you soon.