What a great way to share things with your nearest and
dearest without having to say it to their faces
- I know there are some things I struggle to say. Yeah, so I’m a wimp
maybe, but to be honest I worry. I already worry -A LOT- about Mini and
Dollop, I haven't the strength or emotional capacity to worry about how difficult information about Mini will go down too.
I also think I’m a bit clearer on paper than in person. I get nervous and emotional, sometimes defensive, and lose
the thread of what I’m saying. Here I can write, and re-write until I get it
all down as I want to say it.
So here’s
my go…
To you all,
Thank you for supporting us all those years ago when we
chose to adopt. You never questioned us, but you did your best to listen to
what we were going through and support us. The process of approval was hard for
some of you when you didn’t understand why we had to ‘jump through hoops’ as
you saw it. We did our best to explain why, but we never saw it the same way.
We used the process to learn about ourselves, about adoption, about adopted
children and we did what we had to in order to become a family.
You got excited with us when we first heard about Mini, and
you all –without exception- welcomed him into your hearts as if he had been
born to us. You all love him and care about him deeply and that is obvious for
all to see.
However, things have become difficult, and although some of
you don’t understand, don’t see it or don’t believe the cause of his issues;
you are still all doing your best to stand by us, listen to us and support us
all. And some of you are going out of your way to help us and learn about
attachment issues. Some of you have distanced yourselves - and that's fine too.
I’d like to share some things that might help you even
further, so you can walk alongside us in this next part of our journey as a
family. Some of you have already asked
for help because you don’t know how to be around Mini. Please do not take any
of this as criticism, it is meant with the best of intentions to help you, us
and most importantly Mini.
·
When Mini
is hurt, I need to be the one to care for him. I’m not taking over, I’m not
pushing you aside, but even now I’m still trying hard to build a trusting relationship
between Mini and I. Let him see that his mummy should be the one to heal him
when he hurts. By all means make a fuss after
I’ve soothed, calmed and cared for him.
·
When Mini
needs something, I need to provide it – whether it’s food, drink, a toy or
anything else. I might ask you to help me, but Mini needs to see that along
with healing him and caring for his ‘hurts’, I will always be there to provide
for him, and I will always be his parent…not you.
·
When Mini
has been ‘naughty’, then the NC and I need to deal with it in our way. You
might think we’re being soft, you might think we’re not addressing the issue,
but we are, just in the way that we know is best for Mini. And we are learning
(and trying really hard) to see the differences between him being naughty for
naughty’s sake, attention seeking, not actually knowing what he’s done,
boundary testing because he’s feeling unsafe, nervous/anxious activity. Equally
sometimes we might let him ‘get away with it’ because our priority is to make
him feel secure and safe, not amplify the shame he already feels about himself.
·
When we
talk to him or remove Mini from a situation, please respect what we do. You
might not like it, but that’s how we do things because we know what works (and
more importantly what doesn’t work ).
·
When we
assert our authority, do not undermine us. If I say ‘don’t do that Mini’,
then don’t say ‘it’s all right, I don’t mind’. You might have different
boundaries and levels of acceptance to us, but we need to keep the boundaries
the same in order to make Mini feel more comfortable. Routine is important to
him so he knows where he stands.
·
When Mini
pretends to be hurt, it’s often for attention or because he’s feeling
anxious.
We need to comfort him so
please do not use throwaway remarks about diving or silliness. That confirms to
him that his feelings aren’t real or valid. Don’t laugh at him or us when we
then put a plaster on an invisible cut – read about
The Healing Power ofPlasters here instead!
·
When you
think Mini is being silly don’t tell him so! We’re working really hard to make
Mini feel loved, safe, wanted and important. Knocking his confidence by being
negative undoes all the hard work. And actually it’s never ever him
that’s silly…it’s his behaviour, though please don’t be negative about that
either in front of him.
·
When Mini
asks you a question about adoption, let him. If you don’t know the answers
or feel uncomfortable then tell him so, and ask us. But don’t ever bluff it,
telling him wrong or misleading information (even if by mistake) could make
things harder for him.
·
When Mini
is getting hyper, take our lead if we try to slow activities down – all
kids love excitement, rough and tumble and running around. Mini does too…but we
have to protect him from the over-stimulation because he can’t regulate how he’s
feeling.
·
And if I forget your birthday, anniversary or
other important event then I’m sorry. My head is full of Mini and Dollop, their
needs and wants, meeting the new teacher to explain Mini's issues, worries about keeping Mini occupied, the next assessment with Social Services, the next appointment
with the CAMHS therapist, the next hospital appointment for Mini’s seizures, my
next parent supporter visit, the next blog post that needs writing, along with
all the other things that a busy mum of two has to think about and deal with.
This might look scary. It might look like we’re asking you
to stay away from Mini and not interact with him, but we’re not by any means.
After 4.5 years here, you might think Mini should
feel safe and comfortable and settled. But actually, he doesn’t. The only way
he’ll ever feel like that is if we continue to reinforce to him that the NC and
I are his parents and we are the ones who will always look after him. So all we’re asking is that you back us up
and help us prove to Mini that the NC and I are his parents and we always will
be.
We all thank you for your love and support
Stix, the NC, Mini & Dollop xxx