Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Sharing fears

I’ve blogged before about Mini’s fears; in fact most of this blog is about Mini’s fear of abandonment. His fear of this, and of moving on, is what is at the bottom of a lot of his behaviour.

I felt it was time to even things out a bit and talk to you about my own fears…and I don’t mean spiders, or worse than that – cats *shudders*. I have fears for both of my children growing up, so this is an honest post about some of them…

I fear that over time, the differences between Mini and Dollop will become greater and more obvious, to others and to each other. And I worry that those differences will affect their relationship with each other, and with us. By differences I mean their backgrounds and birth stories, their start in life (in utero and in their first weeks), their stability, their attachments, even down to their gender and hair colour. I fear that even those small, subtle differences will become magnified and more important. Although I hope that they become less important, less defining.

I fear that I will fail as a good enough parent. At the moment, I feel that mostly in relation to Mini, because he is the one that has specific needs and issues that need addressing. I fear that I won’t be able to fight hard enough, shout loud enough, stamp my feet enough to get him the help that he needs, or the help that we need to support him.

I fear that Mini will be misunderstood. I already worry about this as we all naturally form opinions and make judgements without knowing the whole story. I did, especially pre-children. I used to tut under my breath when passing unruly children in the supermarket, now I give looks of sympathy instead! Mini presents as an excitable young boy, and although we know there’s more behind it, it’s not obvious to other people. Therefore some of our parenting techniques might look a bit soft, hippyish even, but they are what we need to do. I fear that we will also be misunderstood.

I fear that the NC and I won’t get through this. Like most parents, we have the occasional disagreement about how to approach something, and our kids try to play us off against each other. It feels at times though that Mini is trying to split us up, not just play us. I hope we’re strong enough to get through the rest of this journey together, which I’m sure will get more difficult as the months go by.

I fear that Mini won’t be able to lead an independent life. And if he is able to, I fear that he might not make the choices that I’d want for him. And I know that as he grows he’ll have to make his own choices, but I will always worry for him (as I expect many parents do).

I fear that I will spend so much time with Mini, that Dollop will feel rejected. And I fear that even if I try my hardest to be fair and equal, someone will always feel like they’ve drawn the short straw.

I fear that Mini’s behaviour will continue to deteriorate and we won’t be able to support him well enough.

The biggest fear I have is that if and when Mini decides to find his birth family, that he’ll reject us. I hope that we do a good enough job of bringing him up that he feels he has space for both us and them, and perhaps over time, it won’t be an us and them, but just a group of people that all care for the same person.

And of course there are those worries about whether they’ll be happy and healthy, and whether they’ll find a job in the future.

These are just some of the things I think about when I imagine the future.There are many more that are too personal too share, and could make us more easily identifiable.
Anyone want to share their fears?

**Edit  - I've also published a blogpost on my hopes for the future too - you can find it here**


  1. I fear the cruelty of other children
    I fear that she'll be easily led and attracted to risky children
    I fear she'll go the other way and become a bully
    I fear that her adoptive status will define her
    I fear she'll reject her dad and me
    I fear how she will find comfort when she's anxious when she's a teenager if she feels she doesn't want to talk to us (see 'rejecting')
    I fear I will be too old and too tired to help her
    I fear this is just the start...

    So, pretty much the same.

    However, if we start with Our Hopes... you go first... xx

    1. Thanks for sharing Kat, hopes are much more positive...see my other post - theboysbehaviour.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/sharing-hopes.html x

  2. Oooh I can relate to most of what you and Kat have said. I worry that Katie's adoption will define her and that she will struggle with her identity. I worry that she'll reject us. I definitely worry that she'll get labeled at school for being naughty. I worry that I'm an older parent and won't be around for her for as long as I would like. I worry that she'll make dangerous choices in her life through her emotions being confused. I worry that she'll start having the 20 babies she claims she's going to have far too early in life! I worry about her ongoing obsession with the male anatomy and how that might link in with the worry about the babies. I worry that I will screw up the whole parenting lark and cause half of those problems I've just listed. Mostly I worry that I won't be able to protect her enough.

    That's quite the list.........*sigh*

    1. It is quite a list, but I think, like you say in your P.S, that we can try to avoid some of our fears for our children because we are aware of them.

      I haven't shared all of my fears here, some are very personal and revealing them would also reveal too much of Mini's background, but I hope that we can work through them, and work towards our hopes instead :-) I found writing this post quite helpful and reflective.

  3. P.S. hon I'm sure that you would avoid many, if not most, of the concerns you have about Mini and Dollopp because you are so aware of the potential difficulties xxx

  4. I think between you, you list all mine too. I also fear that by the time Pickle is 10, he quite possibly will be 6' 4" all the way round, and could seriously lift my head of my shoulders. :o. I hope that his heart will continue to grow and outweigh his burly brawn. :) So so so many fears and hopes. x

    1. I'm pretty sure his heart will continue growing, and at least if it doesn't outweight his brawn, it'll match it! x

  5. I worry about:
    when the kid realizes that simply by being adopted he is "different" and that we won't have given him the tools to be able to handle that well
    the boys' birth families not being accessible when the boys need them
    my sweet, empathetic boy not understanding- or alternately understanding and being crushed about - why his birth parents made the choice to place him but raise 2 other children
    how to teach my boys about racism and how it will affect them once they are no longer the cute little boys they are now
    so, so many other things

    You are not alone in your worries. And - at least this is what I tell myself - we are ahead of those who don't worry because at least we are aware enough to make intentional - if not always perfect - parenting choices.

  6. I can so relate to so much of what you said. Thank you for speaking honestly about your fears. These are the types of things that people rarely say out loud but many of us think.

    Thanks for linking to Adoption Blog Hop.